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HOPE in times of DESPAIR

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you plans to give you hope and a future. – Jeremiah 29:11

Have you ever prayed so hard and begged for something to God with all your heart?

Let me tell you my love story with the person, I loved the most. 

She was like any other, talkative, and sometimes grumpy. But above all, she was understanding and a loving person. When I was in Grade 1, she accompanied me going to school, and she patiently waited for me outside the classroom so that I could not sneak out and run to go home. I did not appreciate her kindness because I was too busy growing up. Most of the time, I neglected her efforts, and I did not even bother to reciprocate her love for me. I disappointed her so many times because of all the decisions that I made without consulting her. I know I made her cry when I tried to shout at her and answer her back whenever we argue. She was neglected all the time, but she still managed to smile, and she loved me despite my shortcomings.

However, an unfortunate event took place last January this year when she fought arduously for her life. I was lost when I heard the news; I prayed painstakingly and pleaded to God to spare her from danger. She cannot die so early. She has to live because I will still make her proud to make up for the disappointments that I have caused her. I placed all my hopes to God that He will give me this one special favor. Besides, I already chose to serve Him with all my life. I was confident because God loves me, right?

I was lost in darkness when He did not listen to my prayer. I bargained with Him, but He left me hanging with no answer. I was doomed, and I questioned His love for me. I asked Him why this has to happen. I questioned Him when and where did I go wrong. I left everything just to respond to His call, but He did this to me, and it cost the life of the person I loved the most. I was clouded with so much pain and regret that I could not pray anymore.

When I cannot stand on my own, the people around me patiently carried me through their words and prayers. Yes, I don’t understand why this has to happen, but God is so loving that He did not leave my side even I constantly questioned His love for me. I doubted Him but He instead extended His arms to embrace me whenever I sleep in grief and tears.

God’s story of unconditional love continues. I may stumble once in a while, but it is in those moments that I can purify my intentions and nourish the vocation that God has entrusted me to respond to. It is in those moments where I cling to God’s comfort and embrace. In those moments, I find myself bending into my knees and acknowledging my littleness before God. I know that God walks with me as I go through difficult situations for my inner healing. After all, He loves me more than my frailties and shortcomings.

The death of my mother affected me so great, but I am aware that God knows what is best for me. It is my constant hope that He will carry me to get through this pain.

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